I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize