I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
even my farts smell like vagina
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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