i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
