im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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