I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
