They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize