My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
