Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
