Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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