The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
