she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
