what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
