Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
