Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
