Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
