dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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