I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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