i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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