I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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