dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
