I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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