I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
