So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
