take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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