So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
