I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize