so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
