you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
