im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
how does that bad decision feel?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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