She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
