I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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