I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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