I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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