I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
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