I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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