Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
