ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
