so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
