I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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