I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
is wine microwaveable?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
