If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
