you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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