Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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