whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she told me i tasted like america
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
