We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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