Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
