her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
