If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
