he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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