Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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