if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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