I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
