I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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