I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Text me some of your sweat
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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