I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
