Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
