The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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