If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Boobs speak an international language.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
