90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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