I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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