I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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