DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Acid is not a monday night drug
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
