I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
