you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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