He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize