Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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